My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
🙋♀️
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Who called it baking and not making love
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out