Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
waiting for halloween be like:
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
what is cheese if not milk persevering
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae