If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
guys I’m going home
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries