Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.