Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
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Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I just tested negative for patience.