Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro