Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
You Might Also Like
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Breaking news:
My birthstone is a marshmallow
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese