Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*