Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student