I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Meme Monday.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
can’t believe I got front row seats
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”