My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Cannot stop laughing at this
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:![]()
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
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