Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
repaired
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
The future is now.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
oppen heimer style lol
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight