oppen heimer style lol
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Hank is one in a melon.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?