I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Social Media and Real life
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
There is no “we” in pizza
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me