my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity