Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”