dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
fr
fly smarter, not harder
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun