Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.