@semple42

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

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@AngryRaccoon2

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

@knot_eye

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@SortaBad

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

@GeriatricBeards

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

@OfficeofSteve

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

@Ygrene

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

@heidi420x

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

@kiel_phillips

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea