So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.