I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea