Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Ain’t no way

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Ummm

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

The struggle is real

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.