Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
You Might Also Like
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Encore…
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Word.
~ Microsoft.