When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.