And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know