“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids