Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
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Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“We will wed,” I threatened
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Beware of the dog..
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.