Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.