I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I am yelling
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.