You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn