You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.