Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.