@Paxochka
@Reverend_Scott SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@mikeym00n Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
@jessokfine I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
@STRIKINGxVIKING HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
@notmythirdrodeo [opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
@TheToddWilliams [boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
@causticbob Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
@lazerdoov My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
@mrmxy This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
@joshglendinning Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
