Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.


When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.


odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.


[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda


I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.


My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”


Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”


I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?