@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

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@Reverend_Scott

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

@mikeym00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@jessokfine

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

@notmythirdrodeo

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

@causticbob

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

@lazerdoov

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

@mrmxy

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.