there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Not today, today.
Not today.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.