there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives