I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.