Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
the Monday after daylight savings
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
That de-escalated quickly
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.