You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
You Might Also Like
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”