@AndrewBloch

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

@KentWGraham

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

@RiotGrlErin

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

@Gilapfeffer

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

@wildrainbow2

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.