A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house