Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
multitasking lunch
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*