multitasking lunch
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.