Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
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the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell