WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.