people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs