Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ