Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?