Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother