Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
In space, no one can hear…
j o i m p
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
sin harder.