In space, no one can hear…
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
🤣🤣💀
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars