Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
oh shit
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting