me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*