me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
🌱🌱🌱
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus