and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You Might Also Like
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
me and who
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator