[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
are they though??
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.