If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*orders delivery*
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.