My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
You Might Also Like
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
shit just got real
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.