On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
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ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Just a bush.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My work here is done
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
who wants to go expliring
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn