I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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Holy moly
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles