My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket