Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I never needed anything more in my life
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2